My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
