The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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