I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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