but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
only if we run a train.
done.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
