weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Fuck appropriateness.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
