how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
