Where is the hickey?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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