Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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