I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
