In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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