9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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