Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
