I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
