Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
