The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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