so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
