he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
