and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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