Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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