Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
