Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
