Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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