I CAN MOONWALK!
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
