You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
