I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
