I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
