I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
