So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
it glows. i had to have it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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