So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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