What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
