When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
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You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
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I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
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