Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i think my cat just said my name.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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