dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
