Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
