shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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