found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
How does it feel to date your dad?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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