you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
