I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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