I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
