I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
