I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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