I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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