I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
