3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
