Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
