i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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