i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i've created a new STD.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
