I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
