Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
