we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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