HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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