She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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