I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
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