Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
