New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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