Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
